Thursday, July 26, 2007

Flame wars...

Ok this shit is just funny.

So for those of you who don't know there is a blog called ViolentAcres.com... Priceless. I have been lazy about reading it lately and must have missed this article. Basically she is taking a monster shit on all the bloggers who talk hemselves up etc. Very funny.

One of her main targets is this girl. Seems nice enough, but why oh why would you ever put up these pics? (Not safe at work).

http://www.theoriginaljada.com/blog/pictures/

-J

The difference between a bachelor party and what women try

Group mentalities always amaze me. When a group of guys get together, it always starts out nice. We are generally very appropriate and just sit back enjoying a beer. But for some reason as the night wears on, the conversation and behavior takes a turn to the dark side. It is as if it is a competition to see who can come up with the most degrading statement to describe a woman as beautiful, the most insulting statement to describe a woman who clearly has no interest in being hit on by a pack of 10 drunk assholes (imagine that).

When a bachelor party occurs, this is taken to a higher level. Where normally there are limitations by social norms and a lack of motivation, when a bachelor party occurs the group has been psyching up the night in their collective minds through jokes and conversation for some time. It means that no matter how innocent the night may be intended to be, it will degrade. Somewhere in the back of each individual's mind has been brewing ideas and concepts that stay in the subconcious until the moment of release (normally 5 or 6 drinks later).

On the other hand, women for one reason or another are just not naturally driven to the same actions. There are of course exceptions to the rule, and those are the coolest chicks and some of my best friends are that way, but as a rule of thumb, I have noticed they are more reserved and almost incapable of seeing the things that are obvious to guys. I am not sure if this is a societal or biological influence, but it fucking sucks for the split tails of the world. You are all missing out on the greatest moments in single life.

For women, a bachellorette party involves drinking alcohol through a penis straw. That is stupid. You don't see a guy drinking beer from a vagina shaped mug. Seriously, that is fucking weak, and I would ritualistically beat any buddy of mine who did that. Then the girls tend to have dildo's and possibly a male stripper around, only because they have thought it through for 2 weeks and want to do *what the guys would do*.

That mentality is the problem. Guys don't plan the evening. They may make a plan, and they probably will order a stripper. But in all honesty, the bachelor party is very spur of the moment and just a 'no cares' kind of situation.

On the other hand, women dominate the shower events. Lets be honest, for many women this is much more fun than their bachelorette party anyways. I mean they have planned their wedding since they were 2 years old. They had flowers, dresses, guest lists, dinner and invitations all picked out. They had their bridesmaids and Maid of Honor lined up and just rotated it depending on which ones they were having a tiss with that week. The only thing they didn't have was their future husband.

The shower is like the womens version of an olypic medal ceremony. These girls are winnin prizes for finally getting a guy they think they can mold into the guy they want. Its like "John's great, and will be perfect once I change these 42 personality traits. Thanks for the toaster!".

Guys have given their wedding 12 minutes of thought. Ever. Most of it involved the wedding night because they think they might finally get to stick their future wife in the ass. They simply don't think about that crap because it isn't fun. Personally, this blog is the longest I have ever thought about weddings and I have been in 3 wedding parties this year. The whole time I was thinking about the bridesmaids and if I could pull a wedding crashers type night. The mentality of a groom is easy to understand.

The guy buys the ring because he figures it will make her happy and he probably skipped lunch that day. Sure he loves her, and can't wait to spend the rest of his life with the woman she is right now. The woman who accepts him for who he is and his 42 faults. The woman who will never change. He may have heard of a friend who made a mistake by not asking the girl he loved or something like that, and so he thinks, wtf. She is cool. Besides, he immediately knows that the bachelor party will be fucking sweet. All of a sudden the thought of that night/week of debauchery overtakes his logic and control. Next thing you know he is pulling a ring out of his pocket and his balls are screaming "DON'T DO IT! I want another cooch still!". His brain is like "fuck... listen to the balls.". But, the girl has that doe in the headlights look, and he doesn't want to hurt her because he actually does love the cunt. So he proposes, and dies a little inside.

When (read if) I ever get married, I have promised 2 of my female friends that they can come to the bachelor party. This is probably a really bad idea seeing as one of them can't keep her mouth fucking shut, but she is my friend. They really want to see how the shit that happens, happens. I just hope that having boobs in the group doesn't ruin the male mentality, but luckily given my friends I don't think it will be an issue.

Wednesday, July 25, 2007

Best sex ever.

Ok so V over at ViolentAcres.com (great blog by the way) has a couple amazing stories up there. I suggest you take a look. My personal favorite is How feminism ruined my sex life. It is a basic discussion of what she thinks women really want in sex. It is pretty entertaining.

So on that note I am going to drop some of the stories some of my buddies from college, and the army have told me was their best band etc.

1) Army buddy.
He was dating a girl for about 6 weeks and then got married. Generally I would classify this as fucking stupid, but for those of you who have watched arrested development, "You gotta lock that shit down.". Well, one of his buddy's wives was talking with his wife and they were chatting about "What is true love" or some shit like that. Anyways, the buddy's wife said that she heard the guys call it true love when they come back from the field, the wife opens the door in a teddy, gets them a beer, gives them a BJ and then mushroom stamps themselves.

Well he was coming back from 30 days in the field. That means no showers no nothing. This guys must have smelled like shit, been covered in mud a gunk and generally been the master of funk. He walks to his door, and there she is... In a white see-through teddy. A bottle of beer in her hands a an "I'm going to fuck you senseless" look in her eyes. She does the deed, MUSHROOM stamps herself, and then says "Relax I have dinner ready". Gets him the food and supposedly they were drilling the whole next day.

2) College Buddy
My buddy was a very international student. He came from Hong Kong and had buddies all over the world. He was a real good guy but definitely would do anything to get into a girl's hoo-ha. So he went on a trip to Canada, WESTERN Canada, to visit a highschool friend and had no intention of hooking up with her. Well, he was told that her friend would be picking him up from the airport and he got her number and they chatted.

When he landed, he grabbed his bags and went to the spot they were supposed to meet. Sure enough she was a hot ass bitch. And she was wearing the perfect outfit. A trenchcoat. She through him the keys and he drove back to her place where they were waiting for his friend to get home. They were waiting with his cock in her mouth, her il nana, and probably the back door but he never confirmed.

Needless to say he dated her for a while. I thought he should have just had it be a one night thing... but she did hook him up with a little 3 company action.

3) Army
This story is just funny. This guy and girl in our unit were banging. It was an issue because one was a SGT and the other a Private. She was a whore. I mean a total whore. She would come over to his house after duty and just flat out do anything to get him upstairs to give her a little wang chung. So one time my other buddy and I are fucking around at his place and the SGT and Private have gone upstairs. We are minding our own business when it starts getting loud... I mean really loud... I mean he is tagging that ass loud.

Well, if you have never seen how military act with their comrades in arms, we constantly fuck with each other. And there really are no limits on how far we go. So in that spirit my buddy and I just head to his room to setup a little prank.

We grab a video camera, create a small intro tape, I am wearing a Kevlar helmet and getting ready for the two of us to go busting into the sex room and fuck with the two of them. We start to sneak over to the door when it happens. The loudest fucking ass slap I have ever heard. I mean it sounded like he pounded that thing with a peice of plastic, and all she says is "Ohhhhhhhhhhhhh yes!". I fucking fall right down the stairs with my buddy down on the ground rolling. I am pretty sure I broke my leg (I didn't).

We go back up, and we get ready to do this for real when again we hear something. It is the SGT saying "You will take this in your ass bitch!". My buddy and I look at each other with gaping jaws. Just as we turn back you hear a shriek followed by some moans. Down the stairs I go again.

About 10 minutes later, out comes the SGT to see me at the bottom of the stairs still laughing my ass off, my buddy is right next to me with tears streaming down his face, and we look up and out hobbles the girl with a big shit eating grin of contentment on her face.

-----------------------------------

What does it mean?

Well no guy wants to marry a whore. That is true. We all want a lady on the streets and a freak in the bed. But more importantly, sometimes we just want to fuck the living bejesus out of the girl. No I love yous. No courting. No chasin around. Just total dominating fucking.

-J

The RIAA and other failures of business

Look, I know most people will buy a CD every now and then. I know that the RIAA and all the music companies have built themselves on the CD model and rely on it to generate revenues and keep producing music. But Blockbuster built its model on store based movie rentals and when new technology was used, they had a choice to change or die.

I am not sure what the right model is for the record companies. All I know is that suing your customers and trying to fight tooth and nail against the change brought on by new technology is never going to work out well for a business. Eventually they will either adapt or die. The $1/song download is a step in the right direction. But in all seriousness there is no way that it should even be that much. I do like the napster model of subscriptions unlimited, but again I think as long as the tech is out there, the music industry is fucked on the CD/Download model.

So what can they do? Easy, Concerts. Right now that is how the artists make their actual cash anyways. I personally hate concerts, but most of my friends love them. They will go to any concert they can for practically any price. But you can't really take away the cash from the artists. So why not create streams of that content. Use the advertising model, it works. Sell copies of the music from the concert. Sell T-shirts and schwag. Sell whatever, just realize that what you are doing now is fucking stupid.

-J

The star appeal

I really don't understand why people care so much about what the "stars" do in their personal lives. Honestly, if Britney Spears wants to get slammed by some dressed up trailer trash, and Lindsey Lohan wants to snort coke or whatever, I dont give a flying fuck. I don't care if Tom Cruise is a psycho about his scientology crap, and I couldn't care less what diet Oprah is going to fail next.

All I care about is wether the show or movie they are in is entertaining. I thought Top Gun was an awesome movie. I thought mean girls was stupid. Oprah seems like a real nice lady and I hope if I ever get married that my wife doesn't watch that waste of life show.

What kills me is that the stars know if they just stay in the news, they will extend their careers and get more cash. Lindsey may not be able to get a Disney movie again in the near future, but who do you think will get paid more for her next film. Coke-headed, naked wandering, slut Lohan or sweet, innocent, straight edge Amanda Byrnes. Here is the link to her pics if you don't know who she is.

But I guess it isn't the stars fault. They are just being smart about business. Chances are that Lindsey will be a star in some huge R movie and rake in 10 mill. If I were her, I would probably do the same. But then you have these people who live their lives reading these stupid articles about these people, then talking incessantly about it with other mindless twits, only to be back on some stupid online message board about it again and again.

- J

Tuesday, July 24, 2007

The best girl I ever dated, and her meeting with TIMMY!

So my name isn't Timmy. But if you ever watch south park you know what I am saying when I say "TIMMY!". So back in college I had recently broken up with a rediculously long term girlfriend. We had been dating for years, but it was time to go our seperate ways and enjoy the freedom that we have.

Now I was a part of a partying organization in college known as Rugby. Fun stuff. Basically thursdays and saturdays were guaranteed to be drunken disasters. Games were great because you just run around and smash the hell out of whomever has the ball. Fun times all around.

Now with my team there was a rule that we would never turn anyone away. If you were a dude, welcome and you should think about playing. If you were a girl, welcome and someone will try and sleep with you. If you were an ugly lesbian girl who hates men, welcome and make out with a chick, it is just fun to watch.

In the spirit of this rule we would get freshman guys and let them in no worries, and get them hammered and try and get them laid if we could. In our minds we wanted them to join the team so it made sense. Plus, that is probably why all the students liked us. They always had somewhere to go and get royally shitcanned.

So one freshman seemed really out of place. I mean this guy had a deer in the headlights look, and I thought he was going to piss himself, so I decided to try and calm him down, get him drunk and see if I could con him into playing rugby. When I started talking to him I realized IMMEDIATELY that he had never hooked up with a girl in his short young life. So I was now determined to get him laid. I went straight to one of the *guaranteed* ones if you know what I mean, and set him on his merry way.

Unknown to me, this freshman did have a friend from highschool who also came to our school. She was cute. I mean she was tiny, tight bodied, sweet and innocent. So he introduces me later tht night because she was nervouse they shouldn't be there or some crap like that. Well I take her, get her a beer and start chatting her up. She is really fucking cool. I mean she is smart, fairly funny, and clearly just a witty kid. Now I was a Junior, and she was a freshman, so I really didn't think anything of getting involved with her, I mean really it is like fish in a barrell and that just takes the fun out of it. So when she asked me what my name was I reply straight faced "Timmy". I really don't know why I did it, but it seemed like a good idea at the time.

Well, we ended up staying out drinking until like 6 am. At that point she had me. I mean she was REALLY cool, we had a blast, we went all over the place just going nuts, and she was able to hold her liquor, not a minor feet when with a 280lb rugby player. So we go back to my place on the other end of campus.

In the morning I start cooking some food, my teammate and housemate gets off the random canadian girl he is drilling at that point in his life, trust me that will be a great blog, and heads to the kitchen. We are chatting and he is clearly hurting, so I make some food for all. Good times good times.

As I am cooking up comes the girl I hooked up with, and she says "Hey timmy, do you have any advil, I have a killer headache". My buddy looks at me, looks at her, and it clicks. He is fucking cracking up. She has no idea why, I slug him, and the fucker is making Cartman jokes all over the place. So the girl and I head back down to my room and eat our food in peace.

A couple hours, and a couple romps later, I ask if she wants to go back to the rugby house for a birthday party we are having that day. Did I mention this chick was AMAZING? She is down, and we start to head over. On the way clarity hits my head. I mean this chick is going to freak out if she finds out that my name isn't Timmy. Then literally as I am thinking how I am going to talk my way out of this she hits me with "Tim, I am really glad I met you. You seem like a really nice guy". FUCK.

Well, we get to the rugby house where they are playing poo dollar, one of the funniest college games ever where you basically put poo on a buck and leave it on the sidewalk. People reach for it, pick it up and are totally grossed out. All the while a pack of 20 immature little shitheads are peering out of windows and someone yells out "POO DOLLAR!". My girl is not impressed with my friends at this, but she still has deer in the headlights looks for me, so I am freaking out about what will happen.

Well we walk in and sure enough they all yell "TIMMY!". I am confused. I look over and there is my housemate just rolling in fucking laughter. Half the team is laughing, all the girls are laughing but feel really bad for this girl with me. My Ex I learned had just been kicked out of the party so she wouldn't ruin this joke. I feel like shit.

Well fast forward three weeks and I am still dating this girl. She is falling head over heels for me and I think she is amazing. I mean she is great. But she thinkss my name is Timmy. She always wondered why everyone always yelled at the top of their voice "TIMMY" when I walked into the house, but I guess she just didn't question it. Anyways, the next week her father was coming to visit.

She wanted me to meet this guy. So I go out to dinner with him, hang out and everything. We have a few drinks, and he is clearly not happy she is dating a junior on the rugby team. But eventually as the dinner proceeds and we have drinks, he begins to like me. All is good.

Then it happens. The next day after her father goes home she says "Hey Tim, I want a coke, you got a buck?". I tell her to grab it out of my wallet. She sees my licence. She doesn't say a fucking thing.

I never did hear from her again... I think she transfered. If you are reading this now, you must know who you are.

Sorry... kind of.
It was a fucking great story.

The Democrats aren't any better

Ok I will admit, I am a person who generally votes republican. My opinions on individual issues sway from side to side, but what generally matters to me is lower taxes. Thats it. But in the last election I broke with my tradition, and voted democrat (in VA). I was extremely happy to see that the republicans lost control of both the house and senate. Honestly, I think that bush lives in his own shitty little world. But there are a lot of very good republicans out there.
Now looking back over the time since the democrats have taken control, I am disappointed. It has been a time of crapping on what the republicans have done, while really taking no initiative at all. I understand that the next election will be very important, so digging the republicans into a hole is a really big priority for the democrats. But in all honesty, that is pathetic. If they want me to vote for them, then they need to take some initiative. I am sick of them just playing the popular side of the war. I don't care if Ms. Meirs gets a contempt charge. Take some initiative and propose some bills that will help the country. If they don't know of something they can do, look at New Orleans. Plenty can be done down there. What about rebuilding bridges with Europe and other nations? I am not even asking them to take on the *Hard* issues. Just take on AN ISSUE.
Republicans, you need to get your act together. Bush is a moron... You need to keep seperating from him, and start bringing ideas to the floor to help the nation. Look, get bush in line. Tackle one issue. Just one. How about something simple, like extending an olive branch to Iran. Sure they hate us, sure we hate them. But we aren't going to wage a war given that we are divided about the one in which we are currently involved. So tell them "hey, that letter you sent was offensive, but we know you didn't mean it. We are sure we have offended you, please give us another chance. How about we get together, have a meal together and chat on how we can get to being buddies?". Ignore the nukes, ignore the problems. Just don't serve pork, and chat. When the meal is happening they may say "our sole goal is to kill you all INFIDELS!", but you come out and go to the worlds press and simply say "It was a very effective meeting, and we believe the start of a friendship is being built. We would like to offer an embassy to Iran and ask they do the same.". If they say no, they are the bad guys in world opinion. If they say yes and anything happens, they are the bad guys.

Well, that turned into a craigslist style rant.

I just hate those fucking politicians.

-J

Would you throw?

When you see a woman on the street or at the bar, you know immediately if you are attracted. But the real question is when you aren't attracted, what would it take? I am not talking about the usual comment of "lose weight". If that is what it would take, and you notice the fat is hanging a little low, you could say "Get rid of the kangaroo pouch". That is "Would you throw".

Slamming refers to a girl who is around and you see that look in her eyes... that walk she is doing, or that sense you get that she just wants to get fucked. I mean no holds bar, she wants to get drilled like you work for exxon. I mean she wants cock any way she can get it.

Those are the best.

-J

36 24 26 is bullshit

Every man has there own taste in women. It is truly an "eye of the beholder" situation. But a friend and I have realized that the standard 36 - 24 - 36 assumption is a load of crap. It leaves too much dependent on outside variables that really drive a lot of the physical appearance.

After realizing this we noticed something. I love girls with a gap. The gap is that space that you notice when the woman is walking between the legs by the hoo ha. You all know what I am talking about. It is the space that makes it impossible for the thighs to rub together etc.

The other thing was that my friend loves boobies. If he could suck on one for days he probably would. But he is really anti-fatty. So he has realized the measurement that matters is the Boob to Bicep ratio. For him it requires the boobs to be a multiple of the bicep. Essentially guaranteeing that the girls boobs look large on the body.

Between these two measurements we realized that you can determine a numerical quantification of what a man finds attractive. Some guys like the chubbys... that is fine, they can definitely find it with the ratio in mind. Just say no gap, or minimal and a 1:1 boob to bicep.
Other guys like the super thin, walking on stilts look. For them you want a 2 - 3 inch gap, and the boob to bicep should probably be a 4 or 5 - 1 ratio.

-J

Monday, July 23, 2007

Homelessness is a racial issue...

Ok, so let me preface this by saying I was a little preppy white kid. If I wanted to, my parents would be able to support me for the rest of my life in luxury. But I do work hard, and I have gotten a pretty solid education. I don't believe that race should ever be used to judge someone, and neither should gender. But, it is interesting how culture and sometimes by that, race has an actual effect on people and their outcomes.

For example, homeless people. You see plenty of white and black people who are homeless and panhandling. But in all my life I have yet to see a SINGLE asian or hispanic homeless person.

I find this extremely interesting. I personally believe there are a couple of factors that play into this observation. First of all, all my hispanic friends have a very extended and close knit family that acts as a safety net for them. But in return they will do anything for anyone in that group. It is a really impressive cultural attribute. Secondly, it is something that seems to be so disgraceful and unacceptable in their culture that when it occurs they will hide in shame before they come forward.

-J

Everything is ROI based.

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Ok so I am moving my blog here

Ok, so after dealing with issue after issue I decided to start fresh.

The point of this blog isn't to piss you off. The point is to take a strictly guys look at everything. A lot of the time it is just for kicks. I am getting one of my buddies to do a strictly gals look blog in the near future. When that comes up you should definitely take a look because she is freaking brilliant. She will probably crap all over my comments and you should get a good laugh out of it.

So with that through, I am going to start bringing over the blogs.

-J