Thursday, July 26, 2007

Flame wars...

Ok this shit is just funny.

So for those of you who don't know there is a blog called Priceless. I have been lazy about reading it lately and must have missed this article. Basically she is taking a monster shit on all the bloggers who talk hemselves up etc. Very funny.

One of her main targets is this girl. Seems nice enough, but why oh why would you ever put up these pics? (Not safe at work).


The difference between a bachelor party and what women try

Group mentalities always amaze me. When a group of guys get together, it always starts out nice. We are generally very appropriate and just sit back enjoying a beer. But for some reason as the night wears on, the conversation and behavior takes a turn to the dark side. It is as if it is a competition to see who can come up with the most degrading statement to describe a woman as beautiful, the most insulting statement to describe a woman who clearly has no interest in being hit on by a pack of 10 drunk assholes (imagine that).

When a bachelor party occurs, this is taken to a higher level. Where normally there are limitations by social norms and a lack of motivation, when a bachelor party occurs the group has been psyching up the night in their collective minds through jokes and conversation for some time. It means that no matter how innocent the night may be intended to be, it will degrade. Somewhere in the back of each individual's mind has been brewing ideas and concepts that stay in the subconcious until the moment of release (normally 5 or 6 drinks later).

On the other hand, women for one reason or another are just not naturally driven to the same actions. There are of course exceptions to the rule, and those are the coolest chicks and some of my best friends are that way, but as a rule of thumb, I have noticed they are more reserved and almost incapable of seeing the things that are obvious to guys. I am not sure if this is a societal or biological influence, but it fucking sucks for the split tails of the world. You are all missing out on the greatest moments in single life.

For women, a bachellorette party involves drinking alcohol through a penis straw. That is stupid. You don't see a guy drinking beer from a vagina shaped mug. Seriously, that is fucking weak, and I would ritualistically beat any buddy of mine who did that. Then the girls tend to have dildo's and possibly a male stripper around, only because they have thought it through for 2 weeks and want to do *what the guys would do*.

That mentality is the problem. Guys don't plan the evening. They may make a plan, and they probably will order a stripper. But in all honesty, the bachelor party is very spur of the moment and just a 'no cares' kind of situation.

On the other hand, women dominate the shower events. Lets be honest, for many women this is much more fun than their bachelorette party anyways. I mean they have planned their wedding since they were 2 years old. They had flowers, dresses, guest lists, dinner and invitations all picked out. They had their bridesmaids and Maid of Honor lined up and just rotated it depending on which ones they were having a tiss with that week. The only thing they didn't have was their future husband.

The shower is like the womens version of an olypic medal ceremony. These girls are winnin prizes for finally getting a guy they think they can mold into the guy they want. Its like "John's great, and will be perfect once I change these 42 personality traits. Thanks for the toaster!".

Guys have given their wedding 12 minutes of thought. Ever. Most of it involved the wedding night because they think they might finally get to stick their future wife in the ass. They simply don't think about that crap because it isn't fun. Personally, this blog is the longest I have ever thought about weddings and I have been in 3 wedding parties this year. The whole time I was thinking about the bridesmaids and if I could pull a wedding crashers type night. The mentality of a groom is easy to understand.

The guy buys the ring because he figures it will make her happy and he probably skipped lunch that day. Sure he loves her, and can't wait to spend the rest of his life with the woman she is right now. The woman who accepts him for who he is and his 42 faults. The woman who will never change. He may have heard of a friend who made a mistake by not asking the girl he loved or something like that, and so he thinks, wtf. She is cool. Besides, he immediately knows that the bachelor party will be fucking sweet. All of a sudden the thought of that night/week of debauchery overtakes his logic and control. Next thing you know he is pulling a ring out of his pocket and his balls are screaming "DON'T DO IT! I want another cooch still!". His brain is like "fuck... listen to the balls.". But, the girl has that doe in the headlights look, and he doesn't want to hurt her because he actually does love the cunt. So he proposes, and dies a little inside.

When (read if) I ever get married, I have promised 2 of my female friends that they can come to the bachelor party. This is probably a really bad idea seeing as one of them can't keep her mouth fucking shut, but she is my friend. They really want to see how the shit that happens, happens. I just hope that having boobs in the group doesn't ruin the male mentality, but luckily given my friends I don't think it will be an issue.

Wednesday, July 25, 2007

Best sex ever.

Ok so V over at (great blog by the way) has a couple amazing stories up there. I suggest you take a look. My personal favorite is How feminism ruined my sex life. It is a basic discussion of what she thinks women really want in sex. It is pretty entertaining.

So on that note I am going to drop some of the stories some of my buddies from college, and the army have told me was their best band etc.

1) Army buddy.
He was dating a girl for about 6 weeks and then got married. Generally I would classify this as fucking stupid, but for those of you who have watched arrested development, "You gotta lock that shit down.". Well, one of his buddy's wives was talking with his wife and they were chatting about "What is true love" or some shit like that. Anyways, the buddy's wife said that she heard the guys call it true love when they come back from the field, the wife opens the door in a teddy, gets them a beer, gives them a BJ and then mushroom stamps themselves.

Well he was coming back from 30 days in the field. That means no showers no nothing. This guys must have smelled like shit, been covered in mud a gunk and generally been the master of funk. He walks to his door, and there she is... In a white see-through teddy. A bottle of beer in her hands a an "I'm going to fuck you senseless" look in her eyes. She does the deed, MUSHROOM stamps herself, and then says "Relax I have dinner ready". Gets him the food and supposedly they were drilling the whole next day.

2) College Buddy
My buddy was a very international student. He came from Hong Kong and had buddies all over the world. He was a real good guy but definitely would do anything to get into a girl's hoo-ha. So he went on a trip to Canada, WESTERN Canada, to visit a highschool friend and had no intention of hooking up with her. Well, he was told that her friend would be picking him up from the airport and he got her number and they chatted.

When he landed, he grabbed his bags and went to the spot they were supposed to meet. Sure enough she was a hot ass bitch. And she was wearing the perfect outfit. A trenchcoat. She through him the keys and he drove back to her place where they were waiting for his friend to get home. They were waiting with his cock in her mouth, her il nana, and probably the back door but he never confirmed.

Needless to say he dated her for a while. I thought he should have just had it be a one night thing... but she did hook him up with a little 3 company action.

3) Army
This story is just funny. This guy and girl in our unit were banging. It was an issue because one was a SGT and the other a Private. She was a whore. I mean a total whore. She would come over to his house after duty and just flat out do anything to get him upstairs to give her a little wang chung. So one time my other buddy and I are fucking around at his place and the SGT and Private have gone upstairs. We are minding our own business when it starts getting loud... I mean really loud... I mean he is tagging that ass loud.

Well, if you have never seen how military act with their comrades in arms, we constantly fuck with each other. And there really are no limits on how far we go. So in that spirit my buddy and I just head to his room to setup a little prank.

We grab a video camera, create a small intro tape, I am wearing a Kevlar helmet and getting ready for the two of us to go busting into the sex room and fuck with the two of them. We start to sneak over to the door when it happens. The loudest fucking ass slap I have ever heard. I mean it sounded like he pounded that thing with a peice of plastic, and all she says is "Ohhhhhhhhhhhhh yes!". I fucking fall right down the stairs with my buddy down on the ground rolling. I am pretty sure I broke my leg (I didn't).

We go back up, and we get ready to do this for real when again we hear something. It is the SGT saying "You will take this in your ass bitch!". My buddy and I look at each other with gaping jaws. Just as we turn back you hear a shriek followed by some moans. Down the stairs I go again.

About 10 minutes later, out comes the SGT to see me at the bottom of the stairs still laughing my ass off, my buddy is right next to me with tears streaming down his face, and we look up and out hobbles the girl with a big shit eating grin of contentment on her face.


What does it mean?

Well no guy wants to marry a whore. That is true. We all want a lady on the streets and a freak in the bed. But more importantly, sometimes we just want to fuck the living bejesus out of the girl. No I love yous. No courting. No chasin around. Just total dominating fucking.